This post was supposed to be short but ended up really long so I'm gonna split them into sections.. ?

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Seems like I'm unconsciously keeping to myself lately.. or something.

I've been unusually quiet around people, even the ones I could talk alot to. I apologize if it's boring hanging out with me these days since I don't talk much, it's to the extent of awkwardness sometimes.

Whenever there's silence, I always wonder if it's comfortable silence or not. People say silence can be comfortable, but I normally feel weird when there's nothing to say, like I'm responsible for it. What if "omg, it's boring now maybe we shouldn't hang out next time" crosses their mind? Or maybe because there are times where I can talk alot so silence is unusually uncomfortable? But how does it feel like for the other party? I guess there's no answer to this.


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About the lack of updates here.. there's less need to write, that's why. It's more like the lack of sensitivity towards everything.

To say I've been preoccupied with other stuff is just an excuse, I would say. This blog should mean far much than other things but I just, honestly feel so little about everything now. Strange phenomenon.

Also, I've been appearing offline 99% of the time simply because I'm at a loss for words these days. It's amazing how I had so much to say in the past. Small talks felt fine then, I guess.


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On a random note, I think admiring good looking males can get boring. They're things that last for 2 weeks, at most. (anyway even females have nice features) It's a common thought, of course.

On the contrary, watching people who sprout mean things, those who play pranks on others, those with vengeful, scheming eyes, those who look like there's always complicated, twisted things going on in the minds can get soooo interesting. There's never an end to it.

Intense eyes can kill you, don't they? Caramel coloured eyes that always twinkle, a smirk and an evil grin, ahhh. A genius in song composition and so much emotion put into a song. A person who screams for freedom yet has a strong sense of responsibility.

Generally speaking, just any musical genius with a complicated mind and intense eyes will get my heart pumping. Fantasies.


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Though people say "you'll have no regrets if you try your best!!",

I hate trying my best. I really hate to try my best. I hate to see myself fail, or to see myself not being good enough. It's a pretty warped thinking, come to think of it. Failure that doesn't come with effort doesn't feel so much like a failure to me. Failure is when you try hard but still can't be good enough.

It's a day to a new year, it's time I got rid of this warped mindset that's ruining me in many ways unimaginable.


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I'm a sucker for retro stuff.

So I went around asking shops if they sold portable cd players (discman) but it didn't matter that all of them gave me the "hello it's 2010 not 1998 why are you looking for a cd player when there are mp3 players all around?!"

and I got sooo excited (secretly or not so secretly) when I saw a shop selling vinyl records AND AND a vinyl player!! they cost 270 and if my dad's one is really spoilt... how about one to last me the next few decades?? I mean, they still sell vinyl records in HMV..


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We found a really cool cafe today, by the way.



Lastly, I cannot stand how horrible my english has become.

(I'll sound like an airhead in this entry)

The last few days were spent watching:

Arashi no Shukudai kun
Himitsu no Arashi chan
Mago mago Arashi
Odoroki no Arashi
G no Arashi (with bits of A no Arashi)

filled with the coolest experiments and food sampling ever! Like slurping ramen in zero gravity, drinking beer in zero gravity, joining two species of growing fruits together, building a gigantic kite so someone can fly on it, an underwater orchestra, hurdles with binoculars on hahah.

I've successfully downloaded 60 episodes of arashi no shukudai kun all thanks to the subbing teams out there :D

Mythbusters is as interesting (or even more) but the entertainment value makes up for everything else :D



Like there's a point in blogging...

Back to my shows and yes I'm playing konseki, taiyou no uta and sweet caroline on my shiny black guitar too! Slow-mo, unfortunately. I'm not not getting blisters on my fingers yet so there's still ALOT more work to be done. Yayyy!

It's been too long I'll update when I'm back~

Leaving for hk in a few hours' time. Well, there's a computer there, shops nearby and extra clothes at home so it'll be fine!

So glad I've my own ways of escaping from humanity.

& something's wrong with me. I won't allow myself to touch the guitar without a clean body. (at least skin that will be in contact with the guitar). It's too black, shiny and beautiful.

What do I need for a trip? Uh, one book, my diary, mp3, camera, phone, money, clothes.. okay done. Prolly a few CDs? Oh yes this reminds me, I want to get a portable CD player.

God I feel so annoyed. The responsibility of pleasing both parties falls entirely on my shoulders and I'll prolly be held responsible if either one isn't satisfied. Technically it has nothing to do with me at all. Bloody leave me alone for today. Go.

If you take me then you'll get relief

Radiohead - Last flowers

I think this video goes well with the song, it makes my hairs stand sometimes. Thought the song went well with today's movie too.

I liked how many things seemed absurd at first but made more sense in the end when the 'confessions' were made (explaining the reasons behind the things they do) So amazing how things can happen, all with the power of imagination and twisted minds. It's fascinating how one event can affect a person so much (differing reactions for different individuals), and once you let yourself take the first move you'll just fall deeper and deeper. A simple need, want or feeling of hatred can manifest into many things unimaginable.

Like every bloody thing is about our mind and nothing else.

Personally, I liked the movie.

Awesome picnic, awesome crazy trip to vintageshop, awesome (abit fail but fun) birthday surprise and steamboat, awesome guitar in my hands right now!!!

Gonna blog when I have more time since there's only an hour before I leave the house for a movie I've always wanted to watch. Gonna try out the guitar I just got (thanks to xuanee who went with me), till then! :D

I feel so unproductive these few days, there isn't even much time to sit there and think. Which explains the lack of posts. I feel like I'm just going with the flow, doing things people do, and it stops right there and that. It's all a mad rush and at the end of the day all I can ask myself are:

"what are the plans for tomorrow? I better plan the time well and make sure nothing clashes?".


I remember the things we do, I remember the photos we take, the tiredness, but what about the thoughts and feelings I used to get out of most trips? Alright, I do remember. "communication breakdown. communication breakdown." kept running through my head one particular day.

Now things are familiar. Unpleasant feelings always remain deeply rooted, happy moments pass off as snippets and frozen memories. But like the word frozen suggests, cold and senseless. Pleasant emotions can only be dug out upon the thought of a frozen moment; Unpleasant emotions well up to you anytime, sometimes you don't even remember what triggered those feelings.

My dreams portray many unpleasant aspects of my subconscious, things I clearly remember. Do I actually remember pleasant memories in my dreams, or is it really because they don't exist?

At the end of each day, I'm glad things are finally falling into place (a little), moments alone are rare now compared to a rather fearful period just a few weeks ago. But sometimes, conversations run dry. So I tell myself meet-ups are merely meet-ups and only sometimes lead to a follow-up and I can't expect to get too much out of a conversation. At other times, I wonder why I can't communicate with others too well - I haven't found an answer to that.

Actually, they don't seem like they're falling into place when I realise others are talking much more to each other, having much more fun with each other. Comparison is such a killjoy.

I always end up asking myself why there aren't many things I'd like to say to others. After all that has happened, I realised there's so much you cannot say. Up till now, I find it difficult to know where to draw the line - when to speak and when not to. In the end, it's still the safest to not speak at all.

I yearn for the day where I can be completely comfortable around someone. Afterall, it's just me who finds it uncomfortable. Just me who prefers to not try to open up to others while communicating. It's easy to open up to spaces (like a diary) because there's no communication involved and there's nothing to care about. Everything's different when there is a person in front of you. But it's painful to share everything with just a book.

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People are such complicated beings and I would honestly prefer not to be involved. Just to sit there and observe the interaction between them would be enough. If only I wasn't human and didn't have a fear of being alone and unwanted.

It's much easier to be a robot than to have feelings; but there isn't much point in living like that, I guess. Why else would I subconsciously complain about feeling "empty" and "devoid of emotion"?

From end of A's (30th) till now:

shopping for prom (great chore & quite a bore)
Harry potter with bro and yh
prom @ york hotel
hotel stay over
newyork newyork & flyer
standard chartered route marshall volunteering
out with family to boat/clark quay (had AWESOME ramen)
board games with family
sent dad off at airport
dinner with mom's friends
planning for hk trip
dinner at 85 (STINGRAY IS THE BEST)


For the record, there were 3 whole days where I only stayed at home for 2.5 hours in total, just to bathe and get my things.

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There's only one thing I'd like to say. I realise I remember mostly the feelings I have in dreams and not so much of the situation itself. Yesterday's one got my heart pumping and had a twist in the end, with my friend crying on my shoulder and us hugging each other. It was a warm feeling after a crazy escape.

The rest.. a few photos!


Priscilla had fun taking photos for the both of us in the hotel while the rest were getting supper outside. I like the lighting!


Flyer with the people I haven't hung out with in a long time.
Circumstances. Anyway, we got Ain a little cake and sang her a birthday song in the capsule, though a little belated.


View from the flyer!


Went back home at 1015 that day and rushed out at 1045 after bathing to meet the rest at promenade at 1115 and walked to F1 pitstop.

Peixuan, Yingjun and I sat along nicoll highway from 2am to 9am, with the toilet 1 km away and chatting till the race started at 5am. We had great fun cheering the runners on, some of them were in weird costumes: chicken, pokemon etc. There was a point where I was soooooo tired from the lack of sleep and rested for a minute and this runner said "so sleepy how to volunteer?!" So I got up and shouted as much as I could after that.

I just wish people didn't complain so much about the food or anything else. We went there to volunteer and to gain experience afterall.






I'm lazy to upload the photos of the food from today's trip to 85, but the stingray was way awesome. We had stingray, chickenwings, bakchormee, sugarcane, tangyuan!! My tummy hates me.

& if you haven't realised, I haven't gotten my guitar. AND I SHALL! Probably this saturday I CANNOT WAIT. So I'll be going out with ky tomorrow, art peeps on thursday, nico on friday and the girls at night, guitar on saturday, band concert on sunday, packing on monday, hongkong on tuesday (14 to 22)


Sounds kind of eventful but I'm going to stay at home abit after I return from hongkong and make sure I complete the things I was supposed to do: read, practise the piano, pick up the guitar, draw a little. Or else it'd just feel empty and unproductive. It's great hanging out with people though, staying at home for far too long will really turn me into an anti-social kid.

Drop dead tired after SCMS volunteering from 12am to 10am, a whole day out on the flyer an hour before that, prom the night before and hotel stayover after that. Throat is dry from screaming.

What is WRONG with my brain? Stop having such high expectations and stop worrying just stop it already. Stop it. Stop it.

Also, I came across this quote today (John Green):

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?'

In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

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Note the first 'contemporary insult'. Many things are going through my mind as I read that. It's like asking those 'nerds' - "you think you're great just because you're different from us? You think you're greater than us? Damn you, nerd. Why can't you be like all of us? You weird nut.". Now, why do people think that way?

I often question myself about why there is so much about things and people I reject. Who am I to say all these things? and yes... who am I?

I don't need people, just a person. Someone who'll listen when nobody else is, someone who won't ever leave you just because there's something about you they don't like.

It seems as though everybody else has that "someone", a mom, a sister, a best friend, a boyfriend they can say everything to without any worries. It never feels right to have someone listen to me when they have more important people to listen to. And all of them have more important people.

The very fact that my only form of release, this blog, has to be controlled just to be careful not to not to express myself too much in case people see it and get upset. Or when you're sad or insecure or depressed you're not supposed to show it just because nobody wants to be friends with someone insecure, sad and depressed. Or how I'll feel guilty and ashamed for ranting to someone, for the fear that it'll be annoying, whiny, irritating.



Like how I'm reading whatever I wrote. Why do I even write here? When I actually don't want people to read? When I'm so afraid of them judging me after they read this? Judge me for whining complaining or being a hopeless brat. Why do I not want to privitise this then? Because it's like throwing the responsibility of hearing you out to a person who probably does not even want to listen to you.

Someone just read my mind already I'm tired of writing.

I can't wait to press the RESTART button on my life.
I want to bloody move on, away from this damned reality.

I went home after the last day of exams while the rest were having fun with each other. Don't I miss my old life too much?

Think I'm going to make this a draft out of guilt again. bye.